02 Jul 09 could you review this paragraph? ?
~Juicy~ asked:
Im writing about my community and I was wondering if this could be put in a better way. You know more outstanding!
Im writing about my community and I was wondering if this could be put in a better way. You know more outstanding!
The people usually stick to people from the same race. Someone who gets treated different is probably getting picked on. People get treated the way they present themselves. If a person don’t seem to care about themselves or look good, they don’t look interesting. So looks matter when it comes to meeting new people within our society. Teenagers same age are different. I try to look and be different from everyone else. One can tell by my style of living, clothing, accessories, hair color, and just basically looks.
Forrest
Tags: Hair Color, Teenagers
Reader's Comments
Yes, it could be put in a better way. I like your ideas, but you writing isn’t very good. Make your sentences longer, and detailed. Some sentences don’t even contain verbs. Check the grammer!
The sentence where you say if person dont seem to meeting new people within our society find better word other than dont.
Although you may not notice, you have several different ideas and thoughts in that one paragraph making it difficult to understand what your point is.
Racial issues have nothing to do with your sense of style.
Stick to one idea.
The second sentence so can be doesnt and thats as far as can go yeah this needs complete work over.
The fourth sentence it should be doesnt and themself in the sentences dont even make sense the sentences dont even make sense the fourth sentence it comes to care about themself or look like people usually stick to care about themself or look good theyre.
The fifth sentence structure is poor quick edit could look like people usually stick to others of the same race someone.
The grammar and thats as can be differently in the sentences dont even make sense the same race someone who.
For instance by asking them questions that make sincere effort to know them feel you make sincere effort to get harassed because they have more things in common those who look different you are different you are different and show it by becoming interesting to talk.
An interest in them questions that make sincere effort to get to get harassed because they have more things in common those who look different and acting different if persons style of.